I’m a fiery guy. I have a volatile personality. Historically I respond poorly to stressful situations. This is because I harbor a myriad of personal insecurities. I am insecure about being a father. I sometimes feel that I fall short in my role there. I’m also insecure about becoming a widower. Renee’s illness is so clever. In the mornings she presents as fine and chipper, only to crash later in the day. As I write this Renee is “seeing a client” via her laptop in our bedroom. I worry that she is over exerting herself but Renee refuses to abandon her clients. Renee only has two sessions scheduled for today. During ordinary circumstances two sessions is a breeze for her. I sit here alone and hope that her work will not over tax her like it did yesterday. Renee was so exhausted last night that she could not even move her arms. Elise and I sat silent vigil as Renee’s breathing became progressively more faint; Alarmingly faint. When asked if I should dial 911 Renee smiled and shook her head “no.” Seconds later Renee drifted off to sleep.
That was last night. This morning Renee has energy and is breathing. Again, Renee is with a client as I write this. Again I tell her she is over exerting herself. Again Renee refuses to abandon her clients. Sometimes I’m insecure about being a good husband. “Should I be more stern?” I ask myself. Should I forbid her to “see clints?” Should I insist that we go to the hospital?
I’m a fiery guy. I have a tendency to react poorly to stressful situations. Writing about it helps. I hope this message finds you in a state of health and well being.
Stane Holman
I’m a 55 year old white male, a father, a writer, and a recovering narcissist.
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